write something like that

by Wybie Santiny

TW: gore

i want to write something. i want to write something like ripping open a ribcage and digging out my heart and eating it and throwing it back up. i want to sink my claws into this act of writing. i want to bite and tear. i want to write something violent. i want to write something with love so bloody you feel it in the back of your throat. i want to feel it. the biting and the tearing and the eating. i want to throw it back up. i don’t want the eating to be easy. i want to taste the blood and feel the sinewy flesh in between my teeth i want my gums to be bloody i want to feel the teeth i want to really feel the thing in my chest that rips and tears and rips and tears. i don’t want to be gentle anymore i don’t want to be censored anymore i want to scream and bite and tear i want to hold the sun between my hands and crush it as it sears itself into my palms i want to feel it as it explodes in my ribcage I don’t want to become a star i want my flesh and my guts to stain these constellations. i want to throw up. i want to throw up my guts and my organs and my heart. i want to see my heart on the concrete and dig my teeth into it and sink my claws into it i don’t want to be human anymore i want to be something other i want to be something more i want to be more more more than this. i want to write something like that. i don’t want to go to heaven i don’t want to go to hell i want to stay here in the plane of the living and haunt every fucking corner every person even the good ones i want to get out of my body i want to claw my way out. i want to write something like that. i’m tired of being quiet i want to scream i want to rip my vocal chords out and shake them i want to raw my throat i want to wring my lungs out of this air i want to scream i want to scream i want to write something like screaming. i don’t want to be wanted i want to be disgusting i want people to gag i want to rearrange my limbs into something awful i want to put death in my mouth i want to open my mouth and put death in there i want people to see death there on my tongue i want people to hear me scream i want to write something like that. i want to scratch my fingers down to bloody nubs i want the blood to pour thick and red i want to see the blood to know that i am living i see the blood and it tells me i am living it tells me that living is painful it tells me that living is loving and loving is painful and we are here to love and feel pain and i want to write that. i want to write about love about possessive love about painful love about a love that scratches at the door begging to be let in about love that gnaws at the bars about love that bites and tears and rips you to shreds about love that wants to be let in to yourself to love yourself about love being abandoned outside of your body and clawing and writhing and beating and screaming to be let in. in to yourself. i want to write something like that.